Hormones made me blue but photography experiments made me happier

Photography has been my hobby ever since i accidentally bought an Olympus Pen in 2010. I learnt bits by bits from friends and online. Now staying home allowed me to venture some other things too. With my husband's help today on the fabric and also his perspective on how the fabric may look through the lens, we managed to achieve two shots:

With some playing on photoshop, i made some colour changes too:

Which one is nicest? =) I personally think my tummy is not big enough. Haha!

Photography experiments made me happy!

Gender Disappointment

After searching of all possible clues of gender, it seemed so so much that i'm expecting a girl. Better skin, lighter baby movements, rounder tummy and ms that lasted till 18 weeks.

Today on 17 Sep 2014 was my important day to determine the fate. We waited anxiously for our turn. The usual sonographer took us into the same room but this time round she asked me to remove clothes waist below.

I couldn't understand the intention but did it anyway. She said was to check my cervical length. This was something unusual from Singapore's practice. I asked. She said it was a golden standard check to check if the crevix is closed and long, to eliminate the risk of premature labour as well as the position of the placenta. And i had to stick the probe into myself!

The baby's head was down. It was a totally different view i never see before. I could see my cervix and the baby's head. It was kinda refreshing to 'taste' something different once in a while. Once we were done with my cervix, the tummy scan began.

The baby weighed 399g at 21w1d according to measurements. She did all the measurements she needed for the organs. Ensure the correct number of lobes in the baby's brain. Show us baby's 10 fingers and toes. The 3D features, limbs and even the whole skeleton. I would say it is more detailed than in Singapore.

The whole scan up and down the whole little body i see no protrusion. I told hubby we have a chance.   The sonographer doesn't focus too much on finding out the gender. She did all she needs - made us admire our beautiful, healthy and perfect baby. Then showed me the penis......

I did not 100% think that it is a girl. I do have reservation on having a boy. But the last thing i wanted to hear was my husband LAUGHING OUT FREAKING LOUDLY on seeing the little manhood! I couldn't say i felt disappointment immediately. I went in the dress up when he asked if i feel ok. Healthy baby was definitely my priority since I am not in my own country. Of coz i said i was ok.

After i reached home, the weird unexplainable feeling sets in. I started to be less chatty, ate less and just doesn't seem to be interested in anything. There were moment where the need to cry overwhelm me but i held it back. I definitely want to find out what's going on with me so i googled 'Raising 3 boys'. By chance i was led to gender disappointment where it revealed that it's better to talk and express what i am feeling now. So that very night after putting 2 boys to bed, i went to my own bed. I was not interested to do anything else. Then tears just rolled down my cheeks. Drops after drops..... I felt so shallow.... I really put health as priority but why i cried? The last thing i wanted to happen at that moment was to be found crying.

The heavy pounding footsteps followed after my thoughts. There came my husband trying to peel the pillow off my face.... and found me crying. He couldn't understand why i was covered in tears. The fact was i also did not expect myself to be feeling that extreme. I did not expect the gender to have that much impact. In fact, i did not even feel much for know Reagan's gender. But why this time? 

I had to explain my feelings to him. To him (or to man?), there are no grey areas on emotions. I just told him plainly i grieved for my unborn daughter which i will never have. I grieved for the grave of a mother-daughter bond. I was grieving. To mothers of 3 boys, they would understand me. To my husband, all he said was 'But you didn't have this unborn daughter!' -_- And even threaten to tell my mum and his mum about me crying about gender! I think i should save up my saliva. I am really glad to have a bunch of friends who do understand me. 

Argh!! But i do know even though he did not understand downright into the core, he tried to crack funny jokes to make me laugh. Knowing him, this is his way of saying ' I love you, i will be there for you.' He even tried to explain even if we have a daughter, we will never really accept a son-in-law since we already have 2 sons. Haha! It is so far stretched from what i was thinking..... nvm!

It's not about loving this baby less. I know i loved all my children uniquely. I know i will fall in love with Remus when i meet the perfect him. I know it is not his fault and i definitely know he's a perfect blessing from God to us. I can only blame the sperms. The lousy X sperm which probably carries bad genes which God forbid to create for our own good. How self-consoling.

The websites i read all state the mothers eventually felt guilty crying over the gender. I don't think i would feel guilt. I have never blame Remus on anything. The FREAKING LOUD LAUGHTERS in the sonography room kept ringing in my head. It felt like ' see? i told you so!' from my OWN husband. I believed the real culprit was the thought of ' I was alone....'. No one in my family has 3 children. No one in my family has 3 boys. I was really alone.... really alone during weekdays.

At this moment while i typed, it was the second day since my drama. I felt better than yesterday and i know it would be over soon. I gave Remus a full identity by coming up with a Chinese name too. I spoke to Ryker about how he felt on his second little brother. His positivity would always bring a smile to my face. I asked if he knows if Remus would be a good boy. He actually said, " Oh yeah, he would be a good boy till 2 years old like Reagan." Oh boy, how did he know about terrible two?

He seems happier to have another brother than sister. He told me he has full strength for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle role play. Uncle Gabriel, Himself, Reagan and Remus. Four boys. Heros in the hard shell!

This is probably the joy of raising boys. They cracked funny jokes. After all i am still the Queen of the Chongs!

First Trimester Scan

The thing about having a baby here is they do not scan you as much as in Singapore. The maximum number of scans you may have or covered by insurance is 3. One for the so called Oscar test, one for detailed scan which they called it Level 2 scan and lastly one before you popped.

I had my First trimester scan in July 2014. 

With the above scan, i have my baby's nub and skull. I went on hunt for gender clues. Below are what i found:

 My nub was less than 30 degrees and was parallel to the backbone.

The shape of the skull definitely looked female. Being a mother of 2 boys, all these gave me hopes. Yet at the same time, i told myself if it's not a girl then Reagan will not have so much of a middle child syndrome and i could still treat all boys the same.

It was whole bout of mixed feelings. Anyway the next scan is 2.5 months later. Can you imagine the suspension? The wait? The anxiety? In Singapore, by 12 weeks, my gynae would have told me the gender......

First visit to ObG

Being in US without insurance sure brew lots apprehension on medical cost. I searched lots of possible ObGyn here and even called up to check on their estimated cost. To my horror, self paid was something forbidden here! We were going to a long trip soon and we had to see that the pregnancy progressed well. Reiki-ed for the best possibilities and my current ObGyn came up.

First visit was a meeting with the manager on payment! I only managed to lie down for a 5 min ultrasound after a 1-2 hour 'financial' meeting. All the confusion and dilemma on having the baby here all disappeared when we see the embryo with a beautiful heartbeat:

Even for the 3rd time, it was still miraculous to see such little life growing in me.

Made in USA

This is a super overdue post which should be dated in May 2014.

Right now, I'm here in NJ with my family. We are supposed to stay for 1.5 years till hubby finishes his Masters. Blessed with baby dust, i was found unexpectedly pregnant. Although i have mentioned this several times to my friends, we really didn't know how it happen. Probably the stress free life during summer holidays helped.

Luckily i brought some pregnancy strip from Singapore.  I tested after i came back from Washington, DC (Around 30 May 14, a day after our wedding anniversary). The double lines actually made me realised why am i so tired from the walks in the Museum and Parks in DC. Anyway, it seems to serve as a wedding anniversary gift for my husband.

Many many extreme changes needed to be made which include us, husband and wife, apart for almost 6 months. It's excruciating to think that he worked so hard for this award to get more family time but we ended up in irony.

Nevertheless, we are happy and of coz i am hoping for a baby girl.

Updates

I'm glad to find all these images saved from donkey years ago in a draft!

Reagan at 9 weeks 4days, growing more like a little baby @ 27.09mm

The ??? is the suspected pee pee of Reagan @ 11 weeks. Even earlier than Ryker's gender discovery.

At 13weeks 6 day, growing at 78.66mm

At 16 weeks, the two ball like thing is the arms of Reagan. The head is not in the scan. Can you see the manhood at the top right hand part of the picture?

New News

I realised i did the best in maintaining the blog for my first born. Subsequently, i slacked so much for my second child that i didn't even put in my birth story.

To be fair, i should start off with the birth story of Reagan which was 28 months later.

For my second child, i really hoped and wished for a natural beginning of labour. That is, water bag burst or even contractions start on its own. Another special happening for Reagan's pregnancy was i was reattuned for Reiki when he was a few weeks in me. At the same time, towards my end of pregnancy, i signed up for Reiki LEVEL 2 attunement which i knew i had to complete before the birth. I reckoned there's no way i would have any time for Reiki workshop after two kids. Fortunately, despite some episodes of contractions (which obviously were fake labour signs), i completed my Reiki LEVEL 2 and Reagan is a true Reiki baby.

After completing the LEVEL 2 workshop, there was another episode of contractions which made me so uncomfy that i had to go to the hospital. At that day, we (with Ryker) planned to have a stay-cation at MBS before having Reagan. We ended up with my bro and mum meeting us at the hospital who had to bring Ryker back. I was hooked up on the CTG for an hour or two to monitor for labour signs. The waves of contraction reflected its regularity on the graph but i was sent home due to no dilation. Damn! There goes my natural start of labour.

On the next gynae visit, i brought my graph and showed her. She commented that this is a graph of true labour if i had dilated! And said Reagan is a naughty boy!! Anyway, i did again mentioned about my hopes for a natural start. It was disputed after seeing my boy on the monitor. She said my boy is notoriously big. At this point of time, i really couldn't remember his weight. But she mentioned the most she would let me wait is till 39 weeks. I left the clinic crossing my fingers!

I remembered the last visit (it was a wednesday) before birth was 38.5 weeks. Still no good dilation. And his weight was already 3.5kg ( i think). I have to go for an induction the following Monday. I finally accepted my destiny of induction again. On the very morning, i bathed and found my mucous plug! It was huge and slimy. I'm like wow! At least some natural signs! lol.

I went in and laid down on the procedure bed, strapped on to the very familiar CTG monitor. Finally, the door creaked open and the next familiar person to my feminine parts came in. There she went inserting the artificial hormone pill while stretching my stubborn cervix! OUCH!!!

We went shopping at the nearby mall while waiting for things to happen. Unlike the first pregnancy, i wasn't having any cramps. In fact it was so symptomless that i thought i may need the second pill. With a little disappointment, we went back in the afternoon as asked, went through the same thing and waited for my cervix's evaluation. To my surprise, there was a 2cm dilation, sufficed for breaking of water bag! Phew! My cervix got persuaded nicely by the progesterone.

We were admitted the same afternoon but in a nice labour ward. All by ourselves, unlike my first time when there were 5 other women half dressed in distressed. The midwives were fantastic too. Really love my experience there. Despite trying to be a hero again, i requested for epidural the moment my bag of water was broken. This time round, i had a big group of Reiki 2 channels to send me energy at the same time and it kinda hindered my blood from being drawn by the nurse. She could not at all draw any blood from me. I must say i have being a perfect person to draw blood, never once failed being drawn so easily! End up i had to consult a senior mentor on how to resolve this. N it really did help! It was pretty amazing to see the Reiki effects.

With all the Reiki help, i managed to pushed out Reagan easily. So much smoother than me turning blue for Ryker. Dr Wong was so shocked the moment Reagan was received with her professional hands. She said, "Wow! Look at his size! You still want to wait some more!" The midwives and Yida went to the weighing scale excitedly, guessing the weight of Reagan. While doing the meticulous sewing, Dr Wong heard it's a 4kg baby! She turned to me and said imagine if i waited some more.... True... i'm at risk of him not able to come out naturally. But being so big the labour was so much easier and shorter. How can i not believe the helping hands of Reiki? Yida was definitely convinced. We thanked all the Reiki Channels that helped out!

I was abled to latch Reagan immediately and take pictures with all the medical professional this time round. =)