Today on 17 Sep 2014 was my important day to determine the fate. We waited anxiously for our turn. The usual sonographer took us into the same room but this time round she asked me to remove clothes waist below.
I couldn't understand the intention but did it anyway. She said was to check my cervical length. This was something unusual from Singapore's practice. I asked. She said it was a golden standard check to check if the crevix is closed and long, to eliminate the risk of premature labour as well as the position of the placenta. And i had to stick the probe into myself!
The baby's head was down. It was a totally different view i never see before. I could see my cervix and the baby's head. It was kinda refreshing to 'taste' something different once in a while. Once we were done with my cervix, the tummy scan began.
The baby weighed 399g at 21w1d according to measurements. She did all the measurements she needed for the organs. Ensure the correct number of lobes in the baby's brain. Show us baby's 10 fingers and toes. The 3D features, limbs and even the whole skeleton. I would say it is more detailed than in Singapore.
The whole scan up and down the whole little body i see no protrusion. I told hubby we have a chance. The sonographer doesn't focus too much on finding out the gender. She did all she needs - made us admire our beautiful, healthy and perfect baby. Then showed me the penis......
I did not 100% think that it is a girl. I do have reservation on having a boy. But the last thing i wanted to hear was my husband LAUGHING OUT FREAKING LOUDLY on seeing the little manhood! I couldn't say i felt disappointment immediately. I went in the dress up when he asked if i feel ok. Healthy baby was definitely my priority since I am not in my own country. Of coz i said i was ok.
After i reached home, the weird unexplainable feeling sets in. I started to be less chatty, ate less and just doesn't seem to be interested in anything. There were moment where the need to cry overwhelm me but i held it back. I definitely want to find out what's going on with me so i googled 'Raising 3 boys'. By chance i was led to gender disappointment where it revealed that it's better to talk and express what i am feeling now. So that very night after putting 2 boys to bed, i went to my own bed. I was not interested to do anything else. Then tears just rolled down my cheeks. Drops after drops..... I felt so shallow.... I really put health as priority but why i cried? The last thing i wanted to happen at that moment was to be found crying.
The heavy pounding footsteps followed after my thoughts. There came my husband trying to peel the pillow off my face.... and found me crying. He couldn't understand why i was covered in tears. The fact was i also did not expect myself to be feeling that extreme. I did not expect the gender to have that much impact. In fact, i did not even feel much for know Reagan's gender. But why this time?
I had to explain my feelings to him. To him (or to man?), there are no grey areas on emotions. I just told him plainly i grieved for my unborn daughter which i will never have. I grieved for the grave of a mother-daughter bond. I was grieving. To mothers of 3 boys, they would understand me. To my husband, all he said was 'But you didn't have this unborn daughter!' -_- And even threaten to tell my mum and his mum about me crying about gender! I think i should save up my saliva. I am really glad to have a bunch of friends who do understand me.
Argh!! But i do know even though he did not understand downright into the core, he tried to crack funny jokes to make me laugh. Knowing him, this is his way of saying ' I love you, i will be there for you.' He even tried to explain even if we have a daughter, we will never really accept a son-in-law since we already have 2 sons. Haha! It is so far stretched from what i was thinking..... nvm!
It's not about loving this baby less. I know i loved all my children uniquely. I know i will fall in love with Remus when i meet the perfect him. I know it is not his fault and i definitely know he's a perfect blessing from God to us. I can only blame the sperms. The lousy X sperm which probably carries bad genes which God forbid to create for our own good. How self-consoling.
The websites i read all state the mothers eventually felt guilty crying over the gender. I don't think i would feel guilt. I have never blame Remus on anything. The FREAKING LOUD LAUGHTERS in the sonography room kept ringing in my head. It felt like ' see? i told you so!' from my OWN husband. I believed the real culprit was the thought of ' I was alone....'. No one in my family has 3 children. No one in my family has 3 boys. I was really alone.... really alone during weekdays.
At this moment while i typed, it was the second day since my drama. I felt better than yesterday and i know it would be over soon. I gave Remus a full identity by coming up with a Chinese name too. I spoke to Ryker about how he felt on his second little brother. His positivity would always bring a smile to my face. I asked if he knows if Remus would be a good boy. He actually said, " Oh yeah, he would be a good boy till 2 years old like Reagan." Oh boy, how did he know about terrible two?
He seems happier to have another brother than sister. He told me he has full strength for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle role play. Uncle Gabriel, Himself, Reagan and Remus. Four boys. Heros in the hard shell!
This is probably the joy of raising boys. They cracked funny jokes. After all i am still the Queen of the Chongs!
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